Why We Repeat Patterns in Relationships (and How Therapy Helps Us Break Them)

By Jenna Riffel, M.A., AMFT #158600

Most of us have had that moment where we think, “Why does this keep happening?” Maybe we find ourselves choosing the same type of partner, getting stuck in familiar conflicts, or feeling triggered in ways we can’t quite move past. Maybe you have called a friend one too many times to play therapist, picked up a self help book, or hoped it just won't happen again. It can feel frustrating and confusing — especially when we know what we don’t want, yet still end up repeating it.

Our Patterns Often Begin in the Past

In psychodynamic therapy, we understand that the ways we show up in relationships are rarely random. They’re often shaped by our earliest experiences of love, safety, and connection. The way a caregiver responded (or didn’t respond) to our needs teaches us what to expect from others — and from ourselves. Over time, these early templates form internal “maps” of how love works.

For example, if love once felt inconsistent or unpredictable, we might unconsciously seek partners who recreate that dynamic — not because we want to suffer, but because it feels familiar. The psyche often prefers what’s known over what’s new, even if it’s painful. I bet that's not something you wanted to hear!

Repetition Isn’t Weakness — It’s the Mind Trying to Heal

Repeating patterns isn’t a sign of failure or self-sabotage but rather it’s a sign of unfinished business. Deep down, part of us is trying to understand and close an old wound — to finally get a different outcome. We might unconsciously hope that this time, someone will respond differently, love us better, or stay.

But without awareness, we often end up reliving the same cycles, leaving us feeling defeated or confused. That’s where therapy becomes so helpful.

How Therapy Helps You Break the Cycle

Therapy creates space to slow down, observe these patterns, and understand what they’re trying to tell us. Together, we explore questions like:

• What am I expecting from others?

• When do I feel safest or most reactive in relationships?

• What part of me still feels unseen, unheard, or unworthy?

In the therapeutic relationship itself, we begin to notice these patterns as they happen in real time.

Final Thoughts

You don’t have to keep reliving the same story, getting in the same fights or feeling the same way. When we begin to understand our patterns, we open the door to new ways of connecting — both with others and with ourselves.

If you find yourself repeating familiar dynamics and want to explore them more deeply, I’d be honored to walk alongside you in that process.