Let's Talk Attachment Styles

Ok, so you’ve probably heard this phrase before — attachment style.But what does it really mean, and why does everyone keep talking about it?

Maybe you’ve read the book Attached, watched a quick TikTok video about it, or heard the term casually thrown around in conversations. Let’s get into it.

What Is Attachment, Really?

Attachment describes the way we connect, depend on, and respond to the important people in our lives — especially in moments of stress or vulnerability. Our earliest experiences with caregivers shape these patterns. Over time, we develop an internal sense of “What can I expect from others?” and “What do I need to do to feel safe or loved?”

These early templates often carry into adulthood — influencing how we communicate, seek out partners, handle conflict, and cope with uncertainty in relationships.

The Four Main Attachment Styles

While everyone is unique, researchers have identified four broad attachment patterns:

1. Secure Attachment – You’re comfortable with closeness and independence. You trust that relationships can feel safe and dependable.

2. Anxious Attachment – You crave connection but may worry about rejection or abandonment. You might overthink or overanalyze when you sense distance.

3. Avoidant Attachment – You value independence and often feel uneasy relying on others. Emotional closeness can sometimes feel overwhelming.

4. Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment – You may long for closeness but fear it at the same time, often because of inconsistent or painful early experiences.

It’s important to note that attachment styles aren’t “good” or “bad.” They’re adaptive responses that once helped us feel safe — even if they no longer serve us in the same way.

How Attachment Shapes Our Relationships

Our attachment style can influence:

• How we express needs and emotions

• What triggers anxiety or withdrawal

• How we interpret a partner’s behavior

• How we repair after conflict

For example, someone with an anxious style might send multiple texts when feeling uncertain, while someone avoidant might shut down or need space. These behaviors aren’t about manipulation — they’re strategies to manage emotional discomfort and protect ourselves from perceived rejection or loss.

Can Attachment Styles Change?

Yes — that’s the hopeful part. Attachment isn’t fixed. Through awareness, therapy, and secure relationships, we can develop what’s called earned security — a more stable and trusting way of relating to ourselves and others.

So while this is all true, it’s not a life sentence. Understanding your attachment style is an act of self-awareness and can truly help you- and your partner.

If you’re noticing recurring patterns in your relationships — feeling anxious, distant, or unsure of your needs — working with a therapist can help you make sense of what’s happening beneath the surface.

If this resonates with you, I offer attachment-based therapy for adults and couples in Los Angeles. Together, we can explore the patterns that shape your relationships, self-esteem, and sense of self.

Contact me at jr@jennariffeltherapy.com or send me a message on this website. Look forward to hearing from you!